Fitness.
This is perhaps the easiest concept to understand and achieve. First rugby is a physical sport… not like baseball or golf or betting on pony’s, but an actual physical sport. It may require a certain amount of generalized intelligence, agility and strength but not much. It does however require a fuck load of fitness. If you can’t run to where you need to be, it doesn’t matter how smart or strong or agile you are, you can’t get there… period. You are worthless as a player. You are dead weight and a liability for your team mates. You quite simply, suck and I am pretty sure that petrified ostrich testacies slunfg around the neks of one legged pigmeys have more street value than an unfit rugby player unable to get around the field... I'm not sure exactly how that works but but trust me, it's true. Here’s the key, it’s not just about getting there once, but getting there all the time, every time. That’s 80 minutes chief. Where on the rugby pitch is there? Easy. There is everywhere. Too esoteric? I forgot about the whole aptitude thing. In rugby everywhere means in support of your players and/or at the breakdown… wait that’s still too much. I’ll make it easier. Everywhere is where the ball was, where it is and where it’s will be. I don’t care if you are a forward or a back because everyone has the same role- get the ball, keep the ball, score, win, (drink). Without fitness, you just can not play this game and expect any level of success. Look, it’s a great sport and there is no reason you can’t enjoy the sport… from the sideline you apathetic fat slow fuck. Too harsh? No problem, just get your chubby shit in shape. The good news it that it’s easy and it’s cheap. No gym membership or trainer needed and here is how. Ready? This is going to change your soft pathetic life. You are going to be The Man, no more bed wetting, women will love you and your neighbors make awkward conversation in a feeble attempt to get close enough to get drunk off the scent of your musk. (Then you will peer at them from behind a black eye and mention something awkward about their daughter and.. well hopefully... never mind) Back on track, get in shape... here goes... ready? Now- start running in one direction for 40 minutes. Stop, turn around. Run back. End. Repeat 2-3 times a week. Done. Well maybe not done but you are well on your way. Too much? No problem, but don’t get pissed off when you loose rugby matches and your best friends start banging your girlfriend and when it happens I am going to point at you and laugh. Fitness is the easiest thing to build. You don’t need to be smart, you just have to be determined and willing to take some pain in order to give it back.
Possession
Perhaps seemingly the more complicated of the two but here is some simple math that should be relatively easy for you to understand because the gods know I am a bad speller. We here at The 2nd Row call it Angelicas Theorem of Posessional Averages for Statistical Understanding of Kicking the Shit our of Rugby teams (rugby historians will note the addition of the Kingston Statistical Law of Winning which can also be applied to accumulation of free pitchers of beer and large screen TV's but that is a different story). Here it is: If (1) in order to win at rugby you have to score more points than your opposition and (2) in order to score you need to be in possession of the ball, therefore (3) if you hold onto the ball longer than your opposition, you have a better chance at scoring more than him. That’s it. Too simple, too complicated? No problem I understand your mental dearth, that’s why I’m here to help.
Lets break it down another way, and I know you have heard this before. Angelica's Basic Rule of Possession was developed over many season's of numbers crunching, much cussing and breaking of clip boards. It follows: (1) When you have the ball, keep the fucking ball (offense) and (2) when you don’t have the ball, get the fucking ball (defense). Still struggling? Sigh…. OK, no problem. First things first.
Keep the fucking ball (offense)
Offensively possession is maintained in 2 areas- at the breakdown and in open field play… which is to say, and we are back to this again, possession has to be maintained everywhere but before we go everywhere lets start… uhh…. somewhere.
Possession has to be mastered at the most basic level and that is at the break-down. First how to hold onto the ball. Unlike the soft-cock sports of American Football and Rugby League, in Rugby Union possession of the ball is not conceded at the tackle which means that as a ball carrier and as a support player you have to do your part to make sure your team keeps the ball because some other group of ass holes you don’t like wants that ball too. Come in hard and ready to maintain possession. Our team of research assistance here at The Front Row have done extensive research and they tell us that your best bet to maintain possession whenever coming into contact is to keep the ball in your back hand (actually tucked under your shoulder nuzzled into your chest which we have demonstrated an infinite number of times). There may be one or 2 moderations but for the novice to semi-pro this is without a doubt the best chance to hold onto and control the ball. As you come into contact either knock the defender back and keep your feet or knock him back and control the ball as you hit the deck… and be ready for a fight. This is the first component and action required to maintain possession at the breakdown but as rugby is a game of team work, successful possession requires another component- a support player to secure the possession. So (1) the ball carrier knocks the shit out of the defender to putt him back on his heels while either on his feet or on the deck offers the supporting player clean ball and then (2) the supporting player comes in to clean and secure possession. remember, the possession is not secure until that support player does his job. Now this is where you will get some debate and I am here to tell you that if anyone tells you the contrary to what I am about to tell you, they are a fucking idiot (and probably a back who had a glorious career of numerous turnovers due to their inability to present or secure ball properly). I’ve seen this done many different ways and what I am about to tell you my friend is the One True Way. Ready? OK, if the ball carrier keeps his feet, the support player ALWAYS RIPS, no matter what. Forget about binding on and setting a platform because it’s not going to matter if possession isn’t secure… and the best way to secure possession is to rip… immediately…. period. It also offers an infinite number of possibilities (setting the driving maul anyone?) but that’s a lesson for another day. So lets review. Ball carrier takes the ball into contact, keeps his feet and presents the ball, second man in rips. Again…. second man rips. What is the supporting player going to do? Bind on and set the platform? No douche bag, he rips to secure possession. What if the ball carrier goes to the ground? Easy, blow the defender off. Bingo, there you have it. That is how to maintain possession at the breakdown. other things need to happen next but without these 2 players securing possession, there is no ruck, there is no maul, there is nothing except loosing possession, running backwards and being forced to tell all of your friends the next day how you shamefully contributed to the loss of the match. You are fucked… it’s over and I’m not even going to explain how or why any more. Trust me. But should you choose to learn something here, you will do your job and maintain possession. Again from there it’s up to the additional support players to add to what you have created in various forms of rucking and mauling but we’ll deal with that later. First things first and that's to secure possession at the break down.
So, you have secured and maintained possession at the breakdown, how else do you secure possession offensively? In the open field play and this is easy. It’s so easy even Sloan can understand with those giant Aye-Aye ears of his. Ready? It’s another mind blower… Here goes: Don’t drop the ball. What, what?! How you say? Don't drop the ball man, that's it. Not enough, here it is in two steps.
Step 1 Passing: look before you pass.
Here’s a question for you Chuck, do you know who couldn’t pass a rugby ball for shit? Ray Charles bitch. Dude sucked at it. Do you know why? That’s right, because he was black wait… no because he was blind. Helen Keller couldn’t pass for shit either because she was a woman... and also blind. At this point I‘d like to toss in some more inappropriate slander but I think you get my point.
Step 2 Receiving: hold your hands up, fingers toward the sky and catch the ball.
I see guys all the time during Queensland lines or the 4 corners drill running with their hand at their sides and it drives me up the wall. How the fuck you are suppose to catch the ball with your hands by your side? It defies physics. Do you know who can’t catch a rugby ball? Un-wed single-mother Jewish double arm amputees. Hands out chief, give the passer a chance and give them a target. Screaming for the ball at the top of your lungs also helps motivate the passer to look at you for the pass. It helped Ray Charles… not Helen though. Still a chick after all. Point here is do not be apathetic, put your hands up, get ready for it and give the passer and yourself a chance. Almost done and onto the second half of possession-
Don’t have the ball, get the fucking ball (Defense)
This is the easiest. The best defense is a strong offense but I’ll save all the cryptic esoteric talk. Here it is. So there you are on the rugby pitch and some dick who is not wearing your matching jersey has the rugby ball and you are thinking to yourself, what next. Here you go. Tackle him and take it from him. Bingo. That’s it. How? Look, there are many ways you can tackle some ass face running with the ball but if you can’t get your hand on him, make sure as fuck you and your team mates are up in his grill freaking his shit out so he makes bad mistakes and shits his compression shorts while making bad passes which you will inevitably pick up and, of course, keep until you score. This is where that fitness thing is really going to pay off for you but more or less that’s it. You are welcome.
So let’s review:
1. Fitness
2. Possession
Questions? Great. Oh yah, the kicking and the whole possession thing. I got in this debate the other week and this may be getting ahead of ourselves (Lesson 2: Things to think about once you have mastered F&P) but I am of the firm belief that the ball should never be run out of anywhere behind say our 15 meter mark and in turn should be kicked into the attacking zones to relieve pressure and put the other team back on their heels. The argument against my militant stance was “why kick it away and loose possession”. Here’s my answer and it’s simple especially for those paying attention to the above. Who said anything about loosing possession? Fitness chief. We kick it, we recover it. Remember, fitness means we have the ability to be everywhere... everywhere... AT WILL. Of course this is predicated on one’s ability to possess a reliable kicker which is somewhere around Lesson 3. However even with the best kicker in the planet and the fastest center , the strongest hooker, 10 coaches for every player and a play book larger than the Wally’s waste line, unless your team (and that means 1-15) has a strong core of superior fitness and the ability to maintain possession, noting else matters.... nothing.
Not only have I just told you how to win at rugby and bang your buddies girlfriend, you also get this gem….
Sloan Celebrity Look-alike #9 & 10
Sloan
Gargamel
Ed Grimely
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