One more time?

Well shit here we go… another rugby season. Where has the time gone? Seems like just yesterday I was nose deep in stripper underwear donated to the club by French Armenian superstar Avo (he gouged me in the face with his thumbnail once during practice and I almost died from dysentery). Avo (also former EAGLE ROCK team mate of our very own Dr. Coach Michael Bryant Esq. Etc) was one of those guys who you could smell from across the pitch, who inexplicably was always sweaty and greasy. When he wasn’t running around gouging team mates in the cheek with his talons and shoving used hooker underwear in your face, was on the side line smoking or trying to shove hooker underwear in your face. He also referred to himself in the 3rd person which is always more creepy than awesome. That was a long ass time ago and I bet there is only 2 or 3 guys left in the active club who know who I’m talking about and know that none of this is an exaggeration. Looking back on the whole thing seems like a blur uhh slur. So many years, so many players, so many different types of teams. For me it’s spanned from the mid 90’s with Australian ledged Shaun Kingston (he owned 2 shirts, 1 hat and a Belmont Shore warm-up he stole- he once shat on Lisa Tanners coffee table) to the legendary doldrums of the 3rd division with LaVerne’s own Bobby Ingles and Irish Megastars Brothers Boyle to the undefeated Division champions helmed by James “Golden Thumb”, “No I’ve never been to a strip club before” Macintosh to last year which I think will go down more for what didn’t happen (holding onto the ball, winning) than what did (dropping the ball, not winning).

4 months doesn’t seem like long but in rugby years it’s almost 12… which means I‘ve played rugby on Pasadena for 231 years, which also happens to be the same year Joe Wilson was last considered spry (only one of those is true, you choose). A lot has happened since April. We sent one of our own overseas to learn the finer points of animal husbandry. Word on the street is he’s picked up some new skills and can smell a virgin goat from ¼ mile up wind… good news for Tyler- competition breeds innovation. The rugby gods can be loving and cruel. Over the summer they took 2 long time members Rooney and Frazier as well as 2 core new members Brecheisen and Wolf. Who knows what they will give us back? Will they drop off 4 more who can fill the void left? Only time will tell and if I’ve learned one thing on a rugby club its been never to underestimate the deuchbaggery of your teammates which is why I hope a not too small payback to ask the gods for is to give Sloan the ability to hold onto the goddamn ball like he holds onto his wallet when it comes time to buy me more Stella. 4 months is a long time indeed. Some played make-believe rugby, some pumped irorn and pushed their cars around parking lots for extra quad burn, others like myself hunkered down and did something useful like pop Porpecia like Tick-tacks and pick up work as a rodie for Don Dokkin (also worked on perfecting my power-stance but more on that later).


The Duche and Snake had a big night




What will happen? I’ve received word from the front line and it’s not pretty. New EC members Seamus, Pett and Encinas? Jesus, what good can come from this? Do you know what else sounds like a good decision? Rugby tour 09’ in Hati. This EC really comes as no shock to me. Pett and Encinas collectively have the balanced intelligent decision making prowess of the pet rock my son likes to shove in his diaper. And Seamus? Good lord, if that EC wants to get anything accomplished I hope he brings his trainer with him to blow the whistle and toss him the occasional sardine. At least Hettermann stopped referring to himself in the 3rd person because he doesn’t’ have the charm of tossing used hooker underwear around to make up for it. This really is not shocking though. I’ve found that when left to its own decision making power, 9 times out of 10 a rugby club will make the wrong decision. Shit, I was voted president like 10 times then replaced with Rooney. I still can’t figure out which is dumber. This is what happens when you let rookies have a say in anything. I mean these are guys who couldn’t sing the refrain to a single verse of S&M man on the bus.

ME: OK, this is how it goes, me and Aaron will sing a verse then you sing the refrain. It’s really easy, we’ll pick some classics. Got it? OK, here we go… Who can take a chain saw?!”

GILBERT: “Who?”

ME: “…. can take a chain saw?”

GILBERT: “…………” (blinks eyes)

ME: “OK.. start over…Who can take a chain saw?!”

GILBERT: “Who?”

ME: “... can take a chain saw?”

GILBERT: “…………” (blinks eyes)

ME: (sighs…. considers jumping out of bus). “OK, Look lets try another one, just repeat what I say and do…. Today’s Monday!....”

GILBERT: “Today is Saturday”

ME: Looks left, sees Michael Bryant sipping white wine….“Swanny- let me have a hit of that”

Well maybe not all of the clubs decisions are bad ones because as much as I’m not looking forward to spending more time this year in San Louis Obispo dodging punches from red neck horse fuckers, I sure as hell am happy I won’t be at Stonhurst Park getting chased by livestock and thugs. My new brand of preferred rugby thuggary has grown much more refined. I’ll take leg tattoos over mutton chops any day of the week.







Well, the die is about to be cast and less I leave you without further alienating myself from those who will decide how much fun I have actually plying this year, I’d like to leave you with some clairfications from an excerpt from Dr. Coach Dr. Michael Bryant Ext previous e-mal. Look, if loving too much is a crime I guess I’m guilty. Here you go....

1. He is uber-organized

FACT: Michael alphabetizes the cleaning products in his house and already laid out tomorrow’s outfit. This isn’t that funny because it’s true

2. He is in pretty good shape

FACT: This is why his preferred brand of leisure wear is awkwardly bereft of sleeves.

3. He is anal compulsive:

FACT: To me this sounds like something completely different that I think he meant and frankly a little messy for a guy who cleans both before and after his house keeper comes (also true- once I caught him combing his front yard grass.). I think he meant anal retentive (probablly the oopposite of compulsive) however I think the Freudian slip may have been the most awesome thing he has done. Well played sir.

4. He is demanding

FACT: There is never a point 4.

5. He was a back for most of his rugby career

FACT: When I first read this I thought it said he was Black for most of his rugby career . Of courts would be FALSE.

6. He does not know a lot about forward play

FACT: Ask Michael which is the tight side prop and time his answer.

7. He is pretty stubborn:

FACT: This is why he will never admit to being even slightly amused by this blog.

8. He does not handle alcohol well:

FACT: I once saw Michael Bryant consume his weight in warm beer somewhere in the back woods of Virginia. In perfect baritonee he then proceed to croon for the women folk of the party. We were also drinking moonshine out of a preserves jar and later some dude in a wheel chair helped me escape from a band of local gang members in a place called Hati.

9. He spent a million dollars to make his house look exactly the same:

FACT: It was slightly under 2 million so my first figure of “millions” may have been an exaggeration for effect. Also the roof is slightly a different shade of terracotta so it's not exactally the same.

10. He has pretty thick skin:

FACT: If he sees a fire on the plaines, he will run over and stomp it out.

11. He cares an awful lot about this team:

FACT: Which is why he will often be herd shouting “GO ROCK!”- he knows we are motivated by hate.

OK, see you on the pitch.